HOW TO RUN AN ART FESTIVAL… INTO THE GROUND

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First, a disclaimer: I have done like 12 art festivals in my whole life.  I’m not an expert.  And when I was in Ohio I ran one a coupla times, and I know they’re definitely not easy.  

So last weekend I thought I’d do one here in Chicago because I don’t hobnob as much as I should, and this would be a nice way to get out.  And hobnob I did!  The artists were realy good.  There was a good variety of “emerging” folks in lots of different styles, and we had a very nice time hanging out all weekend together.  Believe me - if I thought this was the artists’ fault I would say so.  Or I’d say nothing.

Actually running a festival/showcase/competition is no cakewalk.  It takes incredible amounts of planning, project managing, vendor checking, email returning, venue securing, website updating, PR writing, sponsor schmoozing, and other unseemly activities for a grungy arteest to undertake.  So, if you’d like to never have to do that, here’s how to ruin a perfectly good weekend and the reputation of a historical brand, in no particular order:

1. Don’t respond to emails.
2. Don’t update your website until a week before the event, and then after you update it, update it again and change everything.  Whee!
3. Don’t send out press releases. 
4. Don’t schmooze with local or national publications or press outlets.  Those people might write an article about you.
5. Don’t rent quality display equipment.  OSB will be just fine, and the landfills will thank you later.
6. Don’t re-use the same venue.  The same old location only gives people a sense of security they don’t deserve.  In fact, if you can move a neighborhood competition OUT of that neighborhood, so much the better.
7. Don’t invite the press to your opening night party.
8. Don’t clean the venue.  Grunge is arty.  Toilet paper is overrated, and if those people wanted to wash their hands, they should have stayed at home.
9. There’s nothing that a 2 x 4 can’t fix.  Apply liberally.
10. Posters are overrated.  Believe me - people enjoy a good mystery.   If you had posters, signage, street banners, etc, then folks would feel deprived of their right to ignore your event.
11. Try to sneer all day if possible, and leave the artists to their silly, silly lives.  Do not introduce yourself.
12. Nobody wore makeup, so please don’t try to get on the Sunday Morning News.
13. Local businesses are chumps.  Don’t ask them for freebies, promos, coupons, or other engagement.  The 100 artists you have sitting on folding chairs can buy their own lunches.
14. Do not, under any circumstances, employ a “Viewers Choice” award.  Who cares what they think?
15. Don’t help with setup or teardown.  In fact, try to run around and ask everyone to be sure they pull out their own nails when they leave.  So long, suckers!

I bet you think I’m exaggerating.  I’m just making it funny!